My kind of mummy

Last year I attended most of the 'We mean business month' workshops organised by Molly Gunn – Selfish Mother (@Selfishmother) at The FMLY Store, Bruton, Somerset. 

All of the workshops and speakers have been fantastic and extremely inspiring, and I have also been privileged to meet some wonderful, like-minded, determined ladies. I've come away from each session feeling a real sense of happiness, inner peace and truly inspired, but there is one session, one lady who really sticks out in my mind, who moved me to tears. 

I don't like playing...

On the 19th October Holly Tucker (@HollyTucker) – founder of Not on the highstreet & Holly & Co. visited The FMLY Store to share her top tips on how to 'Supercharge Your Small Business'. There were loads of great tips, and Holly came across as a wonderfully hardworking, successful and down-to-earth woman. One thing she said just REALLY struck a chord with me. She said didn't really like playing with her daughter, but she knew she had loads of other things to offer as a mother instead (or words to that affect). I welled up listening to this, and afterwards shared how I felt with the other lovely ladies sitting next to me. It was like some kind of acceptance or acknowledgement for me, something I was clearly in need of! 

I don't like playing much either, never have, I'm not a big fan of baking, crafting, colouring, building lego or doing puzzles (I sound miserable!). Mostly I feel BAD about this, and it adds to the guilty feeling of being a bad mum, a selfish mum - someone who is 'not very maternal' even. I never enjoyed breast feeding either, and I would even go so far as to say I hated and dreaded it for most of the 3 months I forced myself to continue with it.

Imposter mummy

During those first couple of years, I felt like an 'imposter', someone just pretending to be a mummy who would be found out! I have a distinct memory of a work colleague telling me (when I was heavily pregnant), that 'having a baby was like falling in love'. I have NEVER forgotten these words and they haunted me for many years. I simply felt nothing of the sort and I thought that meant there must be something very wrong with me.

I compared myself to my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and was convinced my husband did too and thought I was a terrible mum. I felt I was being expected to have a personality transplant because I'd had a baby, that somehow I was going to all of a sudden transform into someone who lived only for their baby, always put their baby first and never did anything they actually liked, because that would be selfish and good mothers have to be completely selfless.

Permission to re-write my story 

After a very long, exhausting and painful labour (Mia was back to back), she was eventually born by emergency c-section. I didn't really bond with her for months and I struggled immensely in that first year (in silence mostly) convinced that literally ANYONE else on the planet could look after her far better that I could and that she would be better off.

I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), but then returned to work, moved house, 'got on with it' and spent the next 4 years feeling guilty. The guilt quite literally ate me up for years, but about a year ago I 're-wrote' the story I'd been telling myself (that I was a terrible mother) to a slightly easier to live with version where I told myself... 'I was a bad mother for the first year or so, but now I'm 'ok''. 

Something in what Holly said that day gave me 'permission' to re-write my story again or at least change my relationship with it. I still don't like playing, baking etc. I like traveling, running, yoga, spending time with friends and family, music, dancing, drinking wine, reading... these things make me, me, and that's absolutely OK!

I may not play lego very well or spend hours baking fairy cakes, but that doesn't make me a bad mother. I have lots of other qualities, other wonderful things to offer Mia now and as she grows up. I am independent, highly-motivated, creative, hard-working, loving, fun and empathetic. I have my own business and I work very hard to help provide for my family as well as looking after our home and we have enjoyed some fantastic family adventures in Africa, Asia and Australia.

Experiences and travel are extremely important to me, and I want Mia to benefit from this as a child, as much as I have and still do as an adult. I want to set her a good example, be a good role model. I want her to see someone who knew what she was all about, what was important, and who stood up for this and worked hard to achieve it and to make the absolute most out of life. I want the same for her - to do and to become whatever she dreams of, without guilt or fear.

Do it your way!

Every parent, every person, should feel free to 'do it their way'. You might not know what that way is to begin with, but for me it's about the essence of who you are, what's in your heart, at your core, what makes you tick. It's what is most important to you and in-turn what you want for your child.

There are no rules, no particular way you must be, or things you must do (other than look after your little human, feed them, love them, shelter them and keep them safe).

I did not feel this freedom for many years, but from now on I am re-writing our story. I am forgiving myself, accepting the past, acknowledging that I did my best and I'm going to be the mummy that Mia needs. That mummy isn't what I think is expected of me by others, by society, it's just me, so I am going to be 'my kind of mummy' and try very hard to feel good about that at least most of the time! And so I move into the next era... I'm excited! 

If you've read this far down, then I'd love to connect with you on on Instagram @upsidedowntreeblog.