(un)comfortably numb

It's the Monday morning after half term, I've just returned from 10 days in Thailand with my family and I feel overwhelmingly sad. I don't know exactly why. I keep telling myself, I should be feeling really happy, I know how lucky I am, but I don't. It would be very easy to just throw myself back into life's routine, into work and ignore all these feelings and thoughts. I'm pretty sure that's my usual tactic, and it works, I'd feel better, like life's 'ok', but I don't want 'ok', I want more than that, I deserve more than ok, we all do!

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It's now Tuesday morning and I feel a bit different today. As the day went on yesterday I did throw myself back into work, busying myself with catching up, but I didn't loose sight of the feelings that were there. I spoke to my sister briefly – not explaining how sad I was, but discussing the idea that there might be a different way, an alternative way of life. Maybe in another country, maybe going between 2. Nothing negative (I realise the grass often seems greener), no answers, just an open-mindedness to alternatives, options.

Holidays and travel do this – it's one of the things I love most about them. Life in the 21st century is so damn busy, time goes goes by so quickly, and try as we might to introduce mindfulness, often weeks, months, years, life can pass without really checking in with yourself and allowing your mind the space and time to just wander. Maybe this is part of the meaning of the word 'wanderlust'?

Today I do feel happier, but a thought I've had many times has returned. The feeling that there is something else I am meant to do, something important, something higher, maybe just something different? An overwhelming feeling that there's something missing, and if I don't figure out what it is, then I won't have truly lived my life to the full and fulfilled my potential. 

I think this underlying feeling is always there, lurking, but most of the time I find ways to bury the thought, and numb those uncomfortable feelings, filling my day with 'temporary fixes'. Work, planning trips, drinking wine, chocolate, shopping, exercise, anxiety - monetary pleasures or 'projects' to focus my mind. None of these things resolve, address or acknowledge my underlying feelings.

This time I'm not going to do any of those things, I am going to let the feelings be, and open up about them to my friends and family. I have no clear idea where the journey will end, but that's part of the fun! Is it charity work, is it living in Africa, changing my career, improving my relationships, finding religion? I don't know! What will bring me inner peace or is what I seek simply impossible, unobtainable, unrealistic? Am I just someone who will always seek more and never truly feel content?

My husband is content, and this is something I have struggled with. I don't really understand what it feels like – contentment is a feeling that's unfamiliar to me. Sometimes I think it's to do with something that happened to me growing up, something that's wrong with me. Sometimes I wish I could feel contentment like other people, it must feel nice, warm I imagine. Sometimes I think I'm an selfish, ungrateful cow and I should be happy and content with everything I have. And sometimes I just think it's the way I am made up, the person I am and I should love, embrace and accept that, and use it for good.

I don't fear death itself currently, but what I do fear, my greatest fear, is reaching the end of my life and not having fulfilled my potential. That thought makes me so unbelievably sad. I have an amazing daughter, a loving husband, supportive family, true friends, a beautiful home, a successful business with my sister which allows me to work flexibly and provides a good lifestyle. I am healthy, I go on lots of trips and have much to look forward to this year. There is so much to be grateful for in my life, and I am, but it's still not enough. I want more.

Most people have something the'd like to change about their life. So what don't they? It's probably far easier to settle and I think it has to do with the comfort zone. For most people as long as their level of comfort is higher that their level of dissatisfaction then they will settle and won't change anything. They'll continue convincing themselves 'It's not bad' until they reach a point where the comfort no longer outweighs the dissatisfaction – or they die, never having lived a truly fulfilling life. Most people aren't willing to give up the comfort and familiarity of their life, step outside their comfort zone, break out of the 'norm', and that's fine, but nothing worth having ever came easy, without taking any risk, being vulnerable or putting in some effort. 

So anyone who's been following my blog so far might know I had intended to relaunch it as a travel blog at the beginning February, and didn't. Missing a goal I've set myself (and told people about) doesn't sit easy with me, but something about what I had planned didn't quite sit right. In changing the focus, creating 'brand pillars', trying to monetise it I was risking losing everything I loved about blogging in the first place. 

So my blog is going to encourage women reject the pressures of what they 'should be/do/feel/have' and help them to speak out, seek independance and be who they are meant to be! There will be travel, there will be wellbeing, mental health, motherhood, grief, life. Above all there will be honesty. I hope you like it. I leave you with an inspiring quote...

'None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an afterthought. Eat delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth you are carrying in your heart like a hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There's no time for anything else.

Sir Anthony Hopkins