Raising the Drawbridge: Protecting My Family from a Toxic Relationship

“Pulling up the drawbridge” is an expression that resonates deeply with me—it represents the boundaries I’ve had to establish to protect my family’s well-being. When my parents divorced when I was 13, it was a pivotal experience that shaped my understanding of relationships. Going through such a big upheaval at a young age left me with a deep desire for stability, love and harmony. As I grew older and started my own family, I became determined to avoid the emotional turbulence I had once felt.

Because of my own experiences as a child, I worked hard to build a respectful and positive relationship with my ex-husband, my oldest daughter’s father. It was extremely important to me that we maintained kindness and mutual support for her sake, so she could grow up feeling safe and secure in both of her homes. I believed the same approach would be best for my husband and his ex-wife as well, so I encouraged and supported him in working on their relationship.

In the beginning, I focused on building positive connections with everyone in my family’s circle. I reached out, hoping to establish mutual respect. But as misunderstandings and misplaced blame arose, after years of trying, I realised that constructive communication wasn’t achievable. I tried to keep interactions focused on logistics and topics relevant to the children’s present needs, leaving aside any mention of past conflicts. By prioritising the essentials, we have now found a way to reduce the stress of communication, limiting it to practical details without the emotional weight of unresolved issues.

The Mental Health Impact of Toxic Relationships

Constant exposure to negativity can take a serious toll on mental health. For me, and my husband, every interaction with his ex that felt charged with hidden judgments or criticisms became a source of anxiety, leaving me questioning my actions and decisions. Even simple exchanges started to feel like minefields, and this persistent stress impacted my sleep, patience, and overall well-being. I found myself awake at night, replaying conversations, wondering if things could ever improve. These cycles of doubt and self-questioning slowly eroded my resilience, making it clear that stepping away was essential for my mental health.

Recognising the impact these dynamics were having on my mental health was the first step toward healing. I realised that protecting my peace wasn’t just necessary for my own well-being—it was crucial for creating a stable, calm environment within my family. Pulling up the drawbridge became a powerful act of self-preservation, and in the long run, I hope our children will see that these boundaries helped to maintain a loving, secure atmosphere at home.

Practical Steps to Protect Yourself in a Toxic Relationship

Through this experience, I learned that setting and maintaining boundaries is essential for maintaining peace. Here are some of the practical steps I took:

1. Focus on Present-Day Logistics Only

We have limited communication strictly to logistical matters and what directly impacts the children’s day-to-day lives. By focusing on immediate needs and leaving the past out of discussions, we could reduce the potential for conflict and keep exchanges neutral.

2. Establish Clear Boundaries

Setting boundaries is about defining what is and isn’t acceptable in interactions. We clarified which topics we were willing to discuss and chose to step away from conversations that became unproductive or overwhelming. This framework gave control over our emotional space.

3. Limit Contact Where Necessary

Total avoidance isn’t always possible, but limiting exposure to toxic dynamics can make a significant difference. I set specific times for communication and refrained from engaging outside those boundaries. This provided consistency and allowed me to regain a sense of peace.

4. Prioritise Positive Relationships

In moments of stress, I leaned into relationships with people who respected my boundaries and supported my choices. Having a network of positivity and encouragement around me helped counterbalance the effects of challenging interactions.

5. Practice Self-Care and Mindfulness

Self-care became essential, whether through exercise, mindfulness practices, or simply taking quiet time to process emotions. Mindfulness, in particular, helped me stay present, focus on what I could control, and maintain my emotional resilience.

6. Seek Professional Support if Needed

Navigating toxic dynamics can feel isolating. Speaking to a therapist or joining a support group provided valuable tools and perspectives, reminding me that I wasn’t alone and helping me develop strategies to protect my mental health.

Recognising the Red Flags of a Toxic Dynamic

Through this journey, I learned to recognise signs of a toxic relationship. Here are some red flags that often indicate a need for boundaries:

• Persistent Criticism and Blame
  Repeated blame or criticism, even in response to respectful efforts, signals an issue that can’t simply be resolved through conversation.

• Attempts to Control or Manipulate
  Toxic dynamics can include attempts to control or dictate others’ actions. Over time, this disrupts autonomy and adds an unhealthy weight to interactions.

• Ignoring Boundaries and Perspectives
  A lack of respect for boundaries or differing viewpoints suggests a fundamental imbalance. Balanced, healthy relationships honor each person’s perspectives and respect individual boundaries.

Moving Forward

Ultimately, I came to understand that the best path was to pull up the drawbridge and focus on creating a calm, stable environment for my family. By reducing interactions to the essentials, I was able to step away from the emotional turbulence and focus on the home environment I wanted for my children—a place where love, trust, and respect could thrive. Although this path wasn’t what I had hoped for, it gave me a renewed sense of peace and security. I hope that, in time, my children will see that these boundaries were necessary to build the safe, loving space we all deserve.