Having a mum break
It’s ok to go on holiday by yourself, or without your whole family!
As I sit alone in my soft and cosy white linen bed in the early morning with the doors and blinds open looking out onto the English Channel, I know I have been true to myself and followed my heart once again. I have given myself what I, I have listened to that inner voice speaking of freedom and space, the need to disconnect from daily life, and to reconnect with myself on a deeper level. To be in nature, to rest, to retreat, to feel alive, and to be me – the version of me I can be when all the responsibilities and demands of being a mum, wife, business owner etc. are taken away. To feel like myself again. To feel grateful for all that I have, and for the chance to leave it all behind for a while.
To reflect on the journey, I have been on over the last 18 months; being pregnant, getting married, giving birth, and now with a baby of 6 months old. A mother again at 42. To be present in each moment. To spend time with my eldest daughter Mia who is now a young woman, and with my mum, and source the power and energy from these connections. To forget for a while about all the logistics and organisation that holds the life we have created with a blended family of 6 and a dog, a small house, big garden and 2 businesses. To recharge my battery, so that I can show up in life, and in my many roles as the true me. To remember who I am when my husband isn’t around…
I felt a strong need to claim this time for myself, I expressed that need, and I was supported. It felt strange to say goodbye to my baby, husband, and stepsons as we all went off in different directions. They left for London, and we left for the Isle of Wight, and I carry them with me in my heart. I wasn’t stressed or tired or unhappy or desperate for time away, but it felt important, and so I listened. Like many, I felt a need for sunshine, a glimpse of ‘summer’ before we head back into Autumn/Winter. I had felt a pull to go abroad to get this, but limited time and budget meant we ended up here on the south side of the IOW, and it feels like the absolute right place, right now.
It’s 6.30am and mum and Mia are still sleeping. I woke early and opened the curtains and doors as I wanted to hear the sea, and the ocean breeze, and to witness it getting light, to feel part of nature. I read for a while – ‘Wintering’ by Katherine May, a beautiful healing book which speaks of the power of rest and retreat at difficult times. It doesn’t feel like a ‘difficult’ time right now (I have certainly had worse!), but it has been challenging as we navigate creating a blended family, a new baby and a growing business.
I am really good now at making sure I get my own needs met in amongst the business of daily, but the reality is it’s still only the bare minimum, and there is no space for just being, the kind of just being where your mind begins to drift, you get creative, you daydream! I spend a lot of time in my thinking brain, organising and ‘doing’ and I am good at juggling multiple things at once with excitement and adrenalin fuelling me and spurring me on, and that is part of me, but it’s not all of me. It is necessary (particularly at this time in my life) to be in this energy of ‘getting things done’ but to stay there constantly would eventually lead to losing myself. I can say this, because I have done it before and paid the price for not listening to my inner voice, getting swept up in what it was to be a mother and what I ‘should’ be doing – lost in motherhood!
*****
I have now relocated to the beach. Everyone else was still asleep, and the sea was calling me, so I packed up a croissant, apple and some green tea for breakfast and took the short walk down through the forest to emerge onto the rocky, rugged coastline. I packed my swimsuit JIC, but it’s too windy, rough, and rocky, so I sit and write, and meditate a while. I love the sound of the ocean, it’s like an instant re-set for my whole body as I listen to the crashing waves. It’s dry and warm, and the sun is trying to peep out from behind the clouds – it glimmers in patches on the sea. It looks magical, and I feel so grateful for this time for myself, right here, right now, and for the adventure and privilege of being alive, as I wonder at the power and beauty of nature. The power of the sea makes me feel small and gives me perspective, looking out at the ocean fills me with hope and opportunity. I feel ALIVE, I feel FREE!
I am completely alone on this beach and in this moment with only seagulls overhead, and if Mia has not yet read my message, then nobody even knows where I am! This feels exciting, and slightly dangerous (in a good way!). Yesterday I walked on the edge of the cliffs along the coastal path alone, I also felt this same sense of danger and excitement. I wasn’t scared, but there was fear, and thoughts of the fact that if I injured myself or off the edge nobody would know where I was. I liked it! I hiked for about 10 miles and was reminded of the great pleasure I get from just using my body in a physical way. It wasn’t a strenuous hike, but it felt good to travel a long distance on foot. It felt like a journey both physically and mentally, and at the end I felt proud and transformed, glad that my feet were a little sore and my legs and hips ached slightly.
I felt in awe of my body which only 6 months ago gave birth to Savannah and is still able to do so much! I am reminded that being a mother is one of my roles, but it’s not who I am, it doesn’t define me. The same as being a wife, daughter, sister, friend, business owner, yoga teacher, SUP instructor etc. these are all things I do, and love, they are part of how I am choosing to spend my precious life, but they aren’t who I am in my heart and soul – and I have the power to change them or how I show up in them.
I feel empowered as a woman, as someone who follows her heart, making conscious choices and putting myself and my own needs and dreams first at least some of the time! I do miss Savannah and Luke, I send them love and know that they are always in my heart. Time apart is important for me to stay connected to this, to my journey, my purpose, myself, without all the distractions and competing energies and personalities at home. Perhaps you think I sound selfish, and I am sometimes, but I see this as a positive thing, not with the negative connotations often associated with it, especially for mothers.
So, what are the elements of a break like this which are key? Nature, peace, freedom, challenge….
I needed time away from everyday life without my laptop and my baby, without having to do things for others. For me I needed to exert my body and be in it, feeling cold water on my skin swimming in the sea, and walking for miles with just my own thoughts. I needed sunshine (but the rain was fun too!), good food and drink (not all cooked and planned by me), to allow for flow, spontaneity, and freedom, to ask myself ‘what do I want to do right now?’ to listen and act. Alone time, quiet time to meditate, read and write, to let thoughts and feelings flow through me, to tune in to my own frequency and to connect to my heart, to remind myself of who I am, of what is important to me, to gain perspective, to reflect to be grateful, to consider the things in my life that are perhaps not serving me. To surrender to those things, I cannot control and make peace with them.
The sun has now made an appearance and I feel alert and clear, ready for the day, and ready to return to day-to-day life again tomorrow evening feeling revitalised, renewed and ALIVE! Feeling happy that I have such a supportive husband who understands this need, and who is wonderful at looking after our baby while I am away.
Thank you to Mia and Mum for sharing this time with me, and thank you to me for giving me this time. It is invaluable.